Parents, fuck em.

[Kid]

I like this forum. It seems less likely that these sorta threads will be overrun with O RLY pictures and all that shit.

Anyways, so on to my little question if you will.

I've been in a relationship for 8 months now with a girl that I met over the summer. She is 17, I am 18, she is a junior in high school and I am a freshman in college.

I come from a family that is very stable, with two fairly well off, loving, and supportive parents. Even though my parents are split, my stepfather stepped to the plate in the absence of my drunken asshat of a father, and life is good. My house is spotless, organized, and we sit down and eat dinner as a family (when I come home from college anyways.) I have a really good life, with really very little that bugs me.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, is from an entirely different world. Her parents are split as well, but the situation is infinitely more terrible. Her mother left her father for a 16 year old boy, is verbally abusive, (calls my girlfriend a dirty slut and all kinds of wonderful things) doesn't work, and has been in and out of a mental hospital. Her father works, pays the mother's bills even though they are split, but otherwise does little to help my girlfriend except to hand her money when she needs it, which she does even to eat because the mother doesnt even really feed her at all. All of this I have observed firsthand - I visit both houses regularly and the mother's fridge will have some pop, milk, and 2 tv dinners in it. My girlfriend's little brothers have no boundaries, and as such constantly spilling shit and wrecking her dad's house, and combined with the fact that they have a nasty old ass dog, the place smells like shit most of the time, to the point where I am afraid to touch things when I go over there. (I have "safe spots" where I can sit down, such as her bed and the chairs at her dinner table.)

The parents fail to meet the requirements of the visitations, which is to drive an hour once a week. They meet in the middle and transfer the kids. But lots of the time, they are too lazy to do it, and I end up having to drive their fucking kids for them, just because I love this girl and I'll do anything for her and her family. Last weekend, they didnt want to drive, even though neither of them have to drive for work since the dad lives next to his work and the mom doesnt have a job, and they asked me to drive. I basically said fuck off and that I had my own plans (which I did) and that they could drive their own kids.

My girlfriend is an A student, who works her ass off and stresses herself to death. She is hyper-intelligent, beautiful, witty, and in many ways far too grown up for her age. A month before we met, she stopped drinking and smoking so she could get her life back on track, and then we met and got together. (I dont drink or smoke and i wont date a girl who does, so it worked out.) She is frequently pulled in the middle of her arguing parents and blamed for shit she doesnt do, such as her mom bitching her out when her dad doesnt want to drive. This all combined with her schoolwork basically means that she is constantly stressed and super emotional.

We fight only over one another's families. She cannot stand the fact that I have a hard time being around her smelly ass dog and her delinquent brothers who steal her things and swear like truckers. (they are 12 and 11 years old.) I fight with her because she takes their bullshit abuse, doesnt stand up for herself, and complains about how restrictive my family is when the reality is that my parents actually raised me right, whereas hers are just fucking terrible parents. All of our fights stem from this shit, and lots of times I end up holding her while she cries over her family, trying to comfort her and make her happy.

I honestly don't know what to do. Lately it is getting harder and harder to keep her happy, and I feel so powerless when the poor girl is torn by her terrible parents. I never know what to say because I cant relate, and all I know is that I love her and I refuse to leave her alone while she works to get out of that terrible environment and into college. But it wears on me like crazy and I want to do something instead of just sitting here.

What the fuck do I do? Can I actually do something to fix this shit and make her happy, or do I have to sit here while these trashy fucks of parents treat someone I love like shit?

[Shadow]

This is going to sound blunt, mate, but this is probably the most forseeable and most appropriate approach to this situation.

It sounds as though your missus has her head screwed on the right way, and she is meek, which isn't a bad thing. The bad thing as you have indicated, is the environment that she is living in. You need to remove that bad thing by removing her from that environment.

You say that she is 17. When does she turn 18?

I strongly suggest that you get her out of that environment as quickly as possible. The only way to prevent her from copping the emotional abuse, the stress and the anxiety is to GTFO of there. Coping with all that all the time will turn her batshit insane. It will cause nothing but even worse mental scarring that she has already if she remains where she is.

Continue to be there to support her. It is extremely important for you to do so, otherwise things will go pear-shaped, she'll think that you don't care about her anymore, causing ultimately more stress and anxiety.

I would suggest looking at living out of home for a bit. Sometimes, standing on your own two feet isn't just an eye-opener, but it's a beginning of true life - adult life. You and her, by the way you've described yourself and your missus, are pretty intelligent, and mature for your ages. Maybe it might be a good thing to be cruel to be kind to yourselves and expose yourselves to independant living.

Just my two cents, but hopefully it was helpful. :kak: :)

[proudinfidel117]

kid do you have a job? if so what does it pay. one person paying there own way, while in collage is pretty much impossible, but if both of you had jobs it would be feasible.

[PsychoMantis]

The Truth


I didn't really know what to say earlier when I viewed this, but Peregrine has hit it right on the head. Some others may post soon saying you're both too young for it to work out, ever, but I feel it's always important to at least try, especially if the girl is as you describe. It's hard to find a girl like that these days, at least that isn't already taken :rolleyes: .

Good luck

[Captain Colon]

Maybe you should stop complaining about her family, then you wouldn't have anything to fight about and everything would be super...

[Chunkywheats]

Really man, welcome to my life. Only I'm a Sophmore in college and she just started college at the same school as me. I can definitely give you some good what not to do advice, but I'd prefer to do it via PM.

[Teedy]

As long as you have feelings for her it's imperative that you stay, but that is one of the paramount concerns here. As it seems that you still do have feelings for her, I'd suggest finding a way to tell her all of these things that you feel. She doesn't want to accept these things but she knows they exist. The fact that she can still cry in your arms means more than ANYTHING either of you can say. She trusts you wholly with her heart and the darkest parts of her personal life that many of her friends have probably never seen.


Time solves everything in this world also. No one ever wants to hear that response, but it's the only real true one. In the end, anyone hear can say anything we want, but you and her have to implement what you two feel is best for your situation. In time her lifestyle will change, in time the two of you will change your social settings for the better hopefully.

[Kid]

Wow, these are pretty damn good responses. I'm glad you guys think this way about this whole thing. I basically feel obligated to stay with her because I think we'll be rewarded as a couple once she graduates.

As far as getting out together, its pretty much impossible for both of us. Financially, I still rely on my parents heavily and she is far too busy with school to work enough to do that.

As far as "complaining about her family," its difficult not to when they have basically robbed her of her childhood and frequently fuck our plans over, hurt her constantly, and basically just piss me off all the time. I dont so much complain at all until she starts crying or something, and I cant help but get pissed at them when she does that.

But anyways, thanks a bunch dudes.

[Teedy]

Perhaps since she knows how you feel then it seems, simply bite your tongue for now and be there for her. Your getting upset at her family while she's crying is never a recipe for helping. You can do her the most good just by being there and making her smile again. :) It's tough to bite your own tongue when someone you love is being hurt by those around them, but sometimes you have to.

[Captain Colon]

Ya what teedy said...it's kinda like walking around and having everyone go "OH HEY SORRY YOUR WHOLE FAMILY JUST DIED IN A FIRE AND NOW YOU HAVE NO LEGS JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ^__^," you get tired of hearing about it eventually.

[Daywalker]

Come back to Rochester and live in Ant-Hill Co-op. Its cheap cuz its a hippy community. I know you'll both love all of the Rainbow peace flags and bush is evil posters:)


By the way, are you coming back for spring break?

[Kid]

Already had spring break, so that would be a big no.

I am home regularly on weekends though.

[Col. Psycho]

this is going to sound too far fetched, but here goes. speak to your parents about it, tell them your concerns and how you feel about her, and how she is being destroyed living with her family at the moment, and you worry for her sanity. then, suggest when she turns 18 that she can spend more time at your house than her own, aka, she semi-moves into your household. it sounds like you have good parents, and although this is a batshit insane idea, its all that i can come up with at the moment. if she had to live with your parents (if your parents were okay with that) she'd be much better off - im not suggesting your parents full out adopt her, but rather look out for her when you arent around to do so, and to give her the best environment to succeed and later join you at college.

like i said, it sounds like a much of a muchness for your parents, but its worth a try if the shit gets any worse for your girlfriend.

[Daywalker]

you could do as Catch 22 suggests, shoot her dad and flee to Mexico. Shoot a police officer on the way, then have her abandon you at the motel.

[Teedy]

Mudkips also are known for their great ability to solve personal problems such as this!

[Roadkill]

She needs to move out and never speak to her parents again. Some day, when all her kids are out of the house, the mother will realize what a shitbag she was and might be willing to try and patch things up. Right now, it sounds like she's taking her kids for granted, and until she comes to her senses, she's not gonna change.

[Kid]

Actually, psycho, I've already talked to my mom about everything. She listened and she really wants to help too, and suggested the same thing. This summer, she'll be at my house 24/7, so hopefully that will help.

[OMFG it g00]

Come back to Rochester and live in Ant-Hill Co-op. Its cheap cuz its a hippy community. I know you'll both love all of the Rainbow peace flags and bush is evil posters:)


By the way, are you coming back for spring break?
woahwoahwoah more OTFers from Murder city New York? ohsnap....
but seriously...there are these apartments on 31 by the golden somethign or other...for 400 a month which is pretty good...they are filled with meth heads...but they are cheap
but if she can stay with your parents over the summer thats good. Finding something for her senior year might be hard...but work with her comfort her, basically everything else suggested...and hope for the best.

also sometime, me edgarallen poe, maddog, daywalker the kid etc...should have an OTF rochester get together...cause we have a pretty good propotion of the OTF here

[Daywalker]

I thought we established this? We pretty much had the city circled with people. Does anyone else actually live inside the city besides me?

[OMFG it g00]

I thought we established this? We pretty much had the city circled with people. Does anyone else actually live inside the city besides me?
I'm in penfield, but nearish to the city, Poe is in alfred right now, or Pittsford at home, Maddog is RIT...idk about everyone else

[CaptCommy]

I'm in penfield, but nearish to the city, Poe is in alfred right now, or Pittsford at home, Maddog is RIT...idk about everyone else

Maddog doesn't go to RIT anymore. However, I do, along with JIC_Ultimate.

[OMFG it g00]

Maddog doesn't go to RIT anymore. However, I do, along with JIC_Ultimate.

G-zus we really ought to have some sort of OTF get together, either at a dorm or a park or something :-p

or we could jsut hang out at Javas :cool:

[Daywalker]

Massively Oily Discharge goes to RIT, although he never was on the forums. But I guess most of MP is from the Greater Rochester area anyways.

I go to MCC right now, I might transfer over to RIT for CJ or some sort of ASL Interpretur program. But to do that I need to get less shitty at ASL. Either way I plan to be in Rochester for the next several years to hopefully indefinetly, so I'm in for some meet up.

[OMFG it g00]

well we should find an open wknd and go somewhere...Javas is pretty cool, if you like to laugh at nerdy musicans, trendy scene kids, and teachers fromt he eastmen school of music :-p
plus the coffee is good!

we should make our own thred hrm

[Daywalker]

we could go cruise lyell ave for some hookers.

I gotta start going to the no voice zones at RIT so I can get not shitty at sign language. I don't know if you guys go to those at all.

[OMFG it g00]

we could go cruise lyell ave for some hookers.

a good freind of mine, who I was forced to drive home from a party...was really drunk and he kept asking me to take him to lyell or conky...fun times

fun fact: in the city of rochester oral sex is 5 dollars, and full on intercourse is only 10!
the more you know

[Chunkywheats]

I badly want to multi-quote this thread and state a few things from my experience, but that will take a long time, so here are a few things I've learned:

1)Graduation did NOT help the situation (in my case) because now her parents do feel like they have to do ANYTHING to help.

2)Her living at your house 24/7 seems like it will solve the problem, but It just has made me more irritable.

3)DON'T just sit back when something is making you angry, because although it sucks to be in her situation, doing something that annoys you becomes habitual, especially if you don't put an end to it off the bat.

4)Emphasize her independence and self-sufficience. DON'T just try to whisk away all her problems for her with a quick fix.

5)Have her confront her parents about shit.

6)Don't do favors for her parents unless they deserve it.


Everyone's situation is different, but I tell you with 100% certainty that I have done/tried almost all the things in this thread that you/others have suggested, and some of them (especially the moving in thing) sometimes end up making things worse than ever.

[Daywalker]

a good freind of mine, who I was forced to drive home from a party...was really drunk and he kept asking me to take him to lyell or conky...fun times

fun fact: in the city of rochester oral sex is 5 dollars, and full on intercourse is only 10!
the more you know



while looking for my apartment I was checking some RIT crime maps. They had one map of citations for prostitution. Oddly enough lyell avenue wasn't on the map, it was covered with red dots, making one solid line of prostitution citations.

I didn't know it was so cheap here, maybe I will do that U of R HIV vaccine study, then cash in on all the cheap whores, if the vaccine works of course.

[OMFG it g00]

while looking for my apartment I was checking some RIT crime maps. They had one map of citations for prostitution. Oddly enough lyell avenue wasn't on the map, it was covered with red dots, making one solid line of prostitution citations.

I didn't know it was so cheap here, maybe I will do that U of R HIV vaccine study, then cash in on all the cheap whores, if the vaccine works of course.

well id also triple wrap it and smother it in lysol to prevent you know...every other STD known to man...
but its not a bad idea overall

[Col. Psycho]

guys, back on topic? this isnt really the otf... D:

im glad to hear your parents are supporting you and her and will let her stay at your house, thats great. :)

keep us updated.

[Glock23]

I suggest listening to Chunky before anyone else in this thread, because as soon as I read your original post, I thought about his GF and her situation; it's an almost carbon copy.

He's been there, he knows that shit, and what paths to tread. Heed his words.

[Kid]

We had a decent sized blowout over this all last weekend, but we've since made up and things are good. I've been keeping her mind off of everything, and it seems to be going decently well.

Thanks to everyone for your input. My mom is constantly helping me through this too, so it's making things a bit easier.

Chunky, did you say the girl actually moved in with you, and it actually made shit worse? I would think that would basically eradicate the problem.

[Captain Colon]

Living with your girlfriend ALWAYS sounds like a great idea when you've never actually lived with a girlfriend before.

[Garryowen]

You're not going to like this, but... RUN!

You're hardly old enough to save yourself, let alone another person. When she turns 18 and if she walks away from her train wreck of a familiy there might (mind you MIGHT) be a chance. Enjoy what "fun" you two have, but don't get too involved.

[Medlar]

Whenever you're doggy-styling her, punch her in the ass as hard as you can.

That may solve everything.