To help, or not to help?

[Col. Psycho]

The run down: I have a work colleague who is 22 and has a child. She also has a slight coke addiction (she doesnt have it often, but when she does, she goes through shitloads at once). She is trying to stop, and im basically acting as a "sponsor" for her, despite never having any addictions myself (sponsor in the sense that if she needs someone to talk to or someone to convince her not to do it when its right infront of her.)

anyway, yeah, so she confides in me and tells me her problems and so on, which i dont mind because i can see she wants to stop and needs help, and right now she needs someone to lean on. You ask why her boyfriend doesnt help her? thats the second part of the story. He's a coke head, full on. He's also used her as a punching bag occasionally and laughs at her when she asks for his support and help. She is in a situation because she needs to live with him in order to put a roof over her sons head. (typical victim issue, she cant leave him despite him being a complete prick.)

Men who beat women for thier own dominant reasons piss me off to no end. i had family members who had shit like that done to them, and it drives me up the wall. Today in work i was wondering why i hadnt seen her at all. I went out for a smoke break, and 5 minutes later she walks out, with a bruise on her face, and looking like a mess. She spoke to our boss and the boss says she should take a week off to try sort things out.

Back to her walking out with this bruise on her face... I havent been that angry in god knows how long. My face and entire body was twitching, which doesnt happen often. She explained to me that her boyfriend left her on the side of the road on saturday night a couple of miles away from home, she being drunk out of her tree. She wanted to phone me to ask for help but she didnt want to bother me. He didnt even give her some cash to get food to try and sober up before she had to walk home. he kept laughing at her and he walked away and went down the pub. She wouldnt talk about where she got the bruise from but i figured he must have layed into her the following morning when she gave him a talking to.

the original point of this thread: He's notorious for being hard and has a gang of mates who back him up on anything. If i try and help her in any way and he finds out, he'll come after myself, and because i live with my parents, he might try something on the family in general. I am angry, and i want to help. I dont appreciate seeing a woman broken down into nothingness, especially when she knows she has done wrong and is trying to fix her life.

The question: Do i go and help her, despite possible violence infliction on myself or close ones, or do i distance myself and watch her self destruct? Im no major fighter, ive knocked out my fair share of people, but i'd give it my best if it was me vs him. but he has his mates to back him up, and i dont have substantial backup of my own in this place.

I dont know what to do. But i cant watch her suffer, especially if i have to be the shoulder for her to cry on. This needs to stop. suggestions?

(and no, i do not feel any attraction towards her, sexual or otherwise. i just want to help.)

[Captain Colon]

why don't you just call the cops or whatever your equivalent of social services is

[Col. Psycho]

why don't you just call the cops or whatever your equivalent of social services is

yeah i didnt include the list of measures im taking - im doing full research tonight on what can be done to help. but its up to her to make the decision. i need to convince her that she needs to get out of there, but she is stuck in the typical beaten-wife mindset, and i can see that. she still mentions the good points which are completely overshadowed by the bad points that this character has. Personally, i think i should take the hefty chain i have in the back garden and see what his head looks like after a few smacks. but that wont solve anything, and i'd probably get stabbed before i could hit him a second time. :P

my biggest concern is that if he finds out where i live, he tries to make a move on my house or my family. If he jumps me and fucks me up its not a concern because i'll lay assault charges and get him locked up, but i couldnt live with myself if it involved my own family getting hurt.

[C.O. Poopykickers]

CP- I completely understand where you are coming from on this, as I have been on both sides of the fence. I was married to a complete bastard for 8+ years, dealt with both drug and alcohol addictions and we have 2 kids. I know firsthand, how she thinks that she has to have him to be able to support her kid. btdt. I was always in the position to help others when they needed it, but I could never help myself.

Does she have any family in the area? Or any other place to go? If she wants to leave, Legally there is nothing that he can do to stop her, She needs to contact social services, and get it on file that she has been abused, also, she may want to possibly look into a battered womens shelter, they have resources that they can use to get both her and her child out of the present situation. They can also help with treatment for substance abuse, and therapy for her and the child, honestly as hard as it is on an adult in that situation, it is 10X harder on any children involved.


Also, if she leaves him, a protective order needs to be put in place through the courts, for both her and the child, not only against him, but any of his acquaintences also, especially if there is a possibility that they will cause her problems. I know that A Prot. Order is only a piece of paper, but it don't take much to violate them, and from the rundown that you gave on the asshole
he isn't real smart. Also having the order gives local law enforcement and the courts a heads up that there is a potential problem, and they wont be working completely in the dark, if something happens.


Also the courts are NOWHERE near a lenient on domestic abuse of any kind. It doesnt matter if there is a physical assault, or something as insignificant as unplugging the phone from the wall. Even if it is the day after an incident, she needs to get in on paper in the form of a police report, no matter how insignificant the incident seems. Most batterers, the violence escalates, eventually something will happen that the victim will have a very long recovery if any recovery at all . She also needs to DOCCUMENT anything and everything possible.

As far as not wanting to get involved, i really can't blame you. I have tried from the beginning to allow as few people as possible to get involved in my situation, If something would happen to anyone else that i cared about because of me, I honestly don't know what i would do.


I have my Prot. order in place, but my back up is my cell phone and a .45
Idiocy truly knows no bounds, and it is better to have those things and not need them, than to need them and not have them.

I have absolutley no sympathy for those who commit domestics, Male or female, there is a difference in being a waste of skin and defending ones self against others.

Hopefully your friend does decide to do something about her situatiion, as Hard as it is, starting over from what she has been in, and has gotten used to, she will be better off. Life goes on, especially after you face your demons, what ever form they may take.

Best of luck to you and your friend.

[Col. Psycho]

thanks for the advice. ive spent a little while searching for groups that can help her out of the situation in the quickest and safest ways possible. I want to see her as a happy person enjoying life, not someone who fears the idea of going home, and fears for herself and her child.

Also, its not that i dont want to get involved - i realise i got myself involved when i advised her as best i could and gave her my cell number incase she needed my help or just someone to talk to. I guess my main concern was how far i was willing to go to help her. I dived head first into this without thinking of my loved ones and current situation. i'll talk to her and see if i can get her to realise she needs to leave this guy and take necessary steps to protect herself and her kid from him and his friends, and she needs to get over her drug problem (which i think will be fine when she leaves him) because she said it herself - she's sinking in debt.

thanks again for the advice.

(p.s i asked the question to a few people i know today "Would you help this person through this problem despite the fact that it could put you in the way of physical harm?" and every one of them said no, they wouldnt, its not thier problem. when did people stop giving a shit about helping thier own damn friends? what the fuck has the world come to. >:|)

[pk!]

You're gonna get hurt. There's no way round that. But unless she screws you over, I'd say keep supporting her. This isn't an easy situation - it's one I've seen both sides of many times. There's no magic wand or approved order of battle. Just be your own decent self and if she lets you help her, well thank God (or Dawkins) for that.

Remember that even if you can't change her shitty life, every minute you can provide a refuge is a minute when she is really alive.